It's a literal statement. I have a Buddha statue bookend that a friend gave me (read: I absconded with it) and have as yet to take into my temporary abode. Temporary because if I don't use that word I get all depressed and feel like a failure for living in my parents basement after getting a college degree. A degree I haven't really used in the last year. Because I am the ultimate in lazy. And exhausted.
There are so many things I took for granted when growing up. Ideas, mostly, but other things. Like the fact that I have parents who let me make my own mistakes. People who let me grow into an adult without the horrors of clinging parents. I will admit that some days I almost wish I'd had parents who took a large interest in me as a teenager. And then I realize how obnoxious and over bearing and irritating that would have been and I am unbelievably thankful my parents have brains. Not that clingy parents don't have brains; they just don't use them.
Complete candor. I thought I was done with the whole social awkwardness thing after high school. And to an extent that's true. It's just awkward in new and unpleasant ways. Like explaining how I really don't want to be in a serious relationship. I really will never be going back to church (exceptions being family events: baptisms and stuff) and while I am thankful I grew up in a minority, conservative religion it is not something I subscribe to anymore. Growing up in a minority group, and it is a minority group even though it has nothing to do with ethnicity or race, can give people a better understanding of love and compassion. Those two ideas have been the prominent cornerstones of my life so far and will continue to be the ideal I measure life by.
All of which is a last ditch effort to keep my family members and friends from being too judgmental when I say that I am not a Christian. Nor will I be leaning that direction for decades, if not the rest of my life. A few people will read this and not be at surprised; the rest will be mildly disappointed but not overly shocked. I really hope there is no one who reads this and is completely shock. If you are completely gobsmacked take comfort in the fact that we must not be friends, or even remote acquaintances anymore.
A large part of me wants to just bury this post, delete it and pretend that everything is fine. And that would be wrong. Both to myself and my family. I have been told I'm brutally honest. Something I've been working to change, honesty is good but brutal honesty can be deadly. Certain situations require tact or just straight up silence. For the last two years I assumed this would be the best case scenario. Just keep quite, don't speak up and don't disappoint anyone.
And now we get to the real problem. I have a fantastic family (a little crazy, but totally awesome) and friends who would drop everything if I needed them. I do not want to be a disappointment. I don't want to become just another statistic that gets shown to teenagers in church school about adults that leave the church. The fear is just about crippling. I grew up with these people, went to little one room grade schools, a boarding academy and a college that were all part of one institution, one religion. I know that I could go to any major city in the world and find an Adventist church. Even if I didn't speak the language, wasn't dressed right and was completely inept in their culture they would take me in. No questions asked. Because we shared a religion. It's kind of awe-inspiring.
When looking back on it I am surprised I could walk away like I did. Granted it wasn't very far and very, very few people knew. And now I guess more do.
Basically what I'm saying is that I can't lie to people anymore. Even by omission. And then asking very nicely that you not hate me.
But mostly it's a huge thank you to Justin. You are possibly the most brave person I know.
And a thank you to Bex, for not letting me crawl into a hole and pretend the world doesn't exist.
