Continuing Education

Baring any unforeseen events, I will be going back to school this fall. I have incredibly mixed feelings about this. There is a part of me that feels like this is just a huge waste of time; that I am not going to gain anything new and I just need to accept the fact I wont ever work anything but a dead end job. Because I clearly have not learned anything since graduating college.

I miss the person I used to be. I miss her dreams. I miss her starry eyed wonder at life.

Letting go of dreams and goals is difficult. It hurts. The realization that the only thing you have ever wanted isn't going to happen. Every sacrifice that seemed so necessary and now isn't. The time I could have spent with friends. All of the little experiences I missed out on. I try to live life with few regrets. Being able to move past painful events means taking the time to mourn.

If everything had gone as planned I would have been graduating with a Masters this year. I would have a finished manuscript in the process of being published. I would be living in a tiny house in Arizona with a library instead of a bedroom. I would be traveling, writing and loving life.

The worst part is knowing it's all my fault. I didn't do everything possible to make it happen. I was to stressed out, I was to busy with work or I finally had a day off and didn't feel like trying.

I've had four years to accomplish something, anything, and I have nothing. I have done nothing to pursue my dream. I have been so terrified of failure and the unknown that I lost the ability to live. The dream was to big. I can no longer call myself a writer, because I do not write.

This is me saying goodbye to that dream. This is me saying goodbye to a younger more naive me.

I am not entirely sure what I am going to aim for now, I don't have a new dream to pursue. I do have an idea of what I want out of life and to get that I need to go back to school. I have always done better with short term goals and if I have learned anything as an adult it is to play to strengths. I know going back to school is going to feel weird, I know how difficult it will be and I know I won't have a problem. I also know that no matter how grumpy I am feeling about it right now I am going to love it once I get started.

Because ... Money.

I am job hunting.

Unfortunately it appears my hunting gear is not high enough quality. I need to get a bigger net to capture them in. Which seems unfair (gasp, life is never unfair). I have great qualifications.

I will show up on time (ish), I will not smell and I will not be drunk.

Is that not a good enough reason to hire me?
What does it matter what my life goals are?
What does it matter where I have worked before?
Why do you care where I am going to be in five years?
Or ten?

Really.

No one knows. I feel like being punished for having vague goals is not acceptable. Would I like to have a white picket fence and 2.5 children?

Not really.

Does it change anything about me that I want a library attached to a fantastic bar?

Nope.

What life choices I make have no bearing on my work ethic. I inherited my work ethic from parents who are workaholics; from siblings who are perfectionists. I used to think I had no work ethic, or that it wasn't very good. Kind of like a day old salad, edible but weirdly wilted. I maintained that belief until I got out my childhood bubble. The first job I held as an adult showed me how very wrong I was. I am not a workaholic, I am not a perfectionist, I do believe in doing things in a timely manner and correctly. I am being paid to provide a service and it behooves me to get it done to the best of my ability in the shortest amount of time as possible. It is not my right to work. I am not entitled to employment. If I am doing an unsatisfactory job then I should be fired.

This is not a commonly held view point.

If more interviews and applications asked questions along those lines I would already have a job. Instead I get questions about my life plans, of which I have none, and when I can't answer or when they see through the bullshit answers I am done. They move on to the next applicant who still believes, naively, that life will actually allow a master plan. Those poor dears. Life happens and plans fall apart. It's much easier to adapt plans if they aren't hammered down in concrete and dreams.

This is how I feel after getting the "We decided to go with a more qualified candidate, but please apply to similar positions when they are posted on our site" email.