I miss the person I used to be. I miss her dreams. I miss her starry eyed wonder at life.
Letting go of dreams and goals is difficult. It hurts. The realization that the only thing you have ever wanted isn't going to happen. Every sacrifice that seemed so necessary and now isn't. The time I could have spent with friends. All of the little experiences I missed out on. I try to live life with few regrets. Being able to move past painful events means taking the time to mourn.
If everything had gone as planned I would have been graduating with a Masters this year. I would have a finished manuscript in the process of being published. I would be living in a tiny house in Arizona with a library instead of a bedroom. I would be traveling, writing and loving life.
The worst part is knowing it's all my fault. I didn't do everything possible to make it happen. I was to stressed out, I was to busy with work or I finally had a day off and didn't feel like trying.
I've had four years to accomplish something, anything, and I have nothing. I have done nothing to pursue my dream. I have been so terrified of failure and the unknown that I lost the ability to live. The dream was to big. I can no longer call myself a writer, because I do not write.
This is me saying goodbye to that dream. This is me saying goodbye to a younger more naive me.
I am not entirely sure what I am going to aim for now, I don't have a new dream to pursue. I do have an idea of what I want out of life and to get that I need to go back to school. I have always done better with short term goals and if I have learned anything as an adult it is to play to strengths. I know going back to school is going to feel weird, I know how difficult it will be and I know I won't have a problem. I also know that no matter how grumpy I am feeling about it right now I am going to love it once I get started.
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