Adventures in Drug Testing

I am so freaking laaaaaaazy. I've had no desire to post at all. I just want to laze in bed all day, even the days when I drag my sorry ass out of bed for work. Yes. Work.

The evil four letter word that seriously screws up my week. I now have a job. It's super prestigious (please note the intense sarcasm there). My new, fantabulous job is in a deli. Let's just say that I have no desire to ever eat a rotisserie chicken. Never again. Ever. Nastiness comes out of those things. *shudder*

"I'm a nasty chicken that splooshes foamy crap out when unloading from the oven." (photo).

I've been meaning to write about the whole job search stuff but other things are so much more interesting. Like TV, books, my ceiling... anything basically. The interview process was a serious pain. They pulled me back for an first "interview". I have that in quotes cuz the lady asked me like three seriously asinine questions, it was things like:

"have you ever had a problem?"

"At some point in your life have you ever done something you disliked?"

"Have you been in the middle of a disagreement?"

The vagueness was enough to make me want to pound my head into a wall. I really wanted to just start making up a bunch of nonsense answers. Unfortunately I actually needed to get the job. Makes me grumpy when I have to deal with other peoples stupidity. Not that it really mattered. The "second" interview wasn't much better and the I ended up waiting over an hour for the "third" interview, which was pretty much just her telling me I was going to get a job offer in a few days. Such exciting stuff.

What probably ended up being the best part of the shenanigans was the drug testing. I hate drug testing. I hate peeing in a freaking cup. If I never have to do it again it will be too soon. Peeing in a cup has now been added to my anti bucket list. It wouldn't have been so bad except I had to get a clean test within 24 hours of getting the job offer.

Me being the overly excitable person I am decided to go straight to the drug testing place. I'd drank a bunch of coffee earlier so I thought it wouldn't be a problem. I was wrong. I got put on the "shy bladder" program. Not even joking. I got a red Solo cup full of water to help the process along. The water was seriously nasty tasting. I also was not supposed to leave the facility before I left a sample. It took almost an hour before I could do that. At that point I'd had about three full cups of water. They were not little cups.

It was not a party. It was not a good time. At all.

I strongly dislike those freaking red cups now. The highlight of my adventure in drug testing had to be the magazine in the waiting room. They had the "Architect Digest", it's a fantastic magazine with fun pictures of random famous peoples houses. If I wasn't totally broke I would totally subscribe to that magazine, it's fantastic.

The analyzer machine thing was shaped distinctly like a coffee pot. I am not joking, it was kind of creepy. Makes me glad I use a French press.

Ring, ring, ring banana phone.

They grow in bunches. Hahaha. I bet that song is now stuck in your head. Sucker.

To make up for putting that hideous song in your head let me introduce you to the new banana song. It's pretty epic. It also happens to be a trailer for Despicable Me 2. Which is highly anticipated in the Mishiverse.

If you want to "know" what it's saying, the lyrics can be found here. And if anyone knows what the English version of the lyrics I would really appreciate you putting me in the know.

Also. For those few people (mom) who don't know the Banana Phone song.

Hope that made your Friday extra special.

A fantastic fourth

I did not see any fireworks yesterday. I am not entirely sure we had any fireworks. The wild fires we have in Wyoming aren't as bad as the Colorado fires, but I think we had a firework ban. Not one that applied to professionals (what are firework people called?) but the civilians were not supposed to set any off. Not only did I not see any fireworks, but I don't remember the last time I have seen them.

The last time I remember seeing fireworks was when I spent the summer in California with my grandpa. We climbed on the roof of the church next door and could see the firework shows from about five different areas. It was awesome. Granted they weren't super close, but they were everywhere I looked. I know I've been to an actual fireworks show, it was only once but I vividly remember how uncomfortable the stadium seating was. The metal grooves dug into my behind and left permanent marks. The stadium show was when I was about ten or eleven. Over a decade ago... I feel old.

It's so pretty (photo).

Some of my fondest memories from childhood involve fireworks. They used to set them off behind the Albertsons a few blocks from where I lived. It was fun, every Fourth we would take lawn chairs and watch the show.

Things I never want to do again.

It is time I started an anti-bucket list. It is a list of all the things I NEVER want to do again. Normally I am not a big fan of using caps to emphasize specific words. In this case I am going to let it slide because I really hate the things on this list in a world blistering death kind of way. I cannot remember all of them, but on Sunday I managed to achieve one more.

I never want to hang sheetrock again. Never again. It is evil. That shit is heavy. But more than anything I hate the stupid lift. I hate it. Even looking at a picture of one makes me sooo angry I can perfectly imagine slowing ripping the thing to pieces and then burning the rest in an incinerator. Which would be really difficult since it's predominantly metal and I am not Iron Man.

This is what death looks like (photo).

I will spare you the horrific details about how I spent an entire day locked in a sweltering garage with my parents while attempting to hang giant slabs of almost concrete. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It was an awful experience that I never want to have again.