Adventures in Drug Testing

I am so freaking laaaaaaazy. I've had no desire to post at all. I just want to laze in bed all day, even the days when I drag my sorry ass out of bed for work. Yes. Work.

The evil four letter word that seriously screws up my week. I now have a job. It's super prestigious (please note the intense sarcasm there). My new, fantabulous job is in a deli. Let's just say that I have no desire to ever eat a rotisserie chicken. Never again. Ever. Nastiness comes out of those things. *shudder*

"I'm a nasty chicken that splooshes foamy crap out when unloading from the oven." (photo).

I've been meaning to write about the whole job search stuff but other things are so much more interesting. Like TV, books, my ceiling... anything basically. The interview process was a serious pain. They pulled me back for an first "interview". I have that in quotes cuz the lady asked me like three seriously asinine questions, it was things like:

"have you ever had a problem?"

"At some point in your life have you ever done something you disliked?"

"Have you been in the middle of a disagreement?"

The vagueness was enough to make me want to pound my head into a wall. I really wanted to just start making up a bunch of nonsense answers. Unfortunately I actually needed to get the job. Makes me grumpy when I have to deal with other peoples stupidity. Not that it really mattered. The "second" interview wasn't much better and the I ended up waiting over an hour for the "third" interview, which was pretty much just her telling me I was going to get a job offer in a few days. Such exciting stuff.

What probably ended up being the best part of the shenanigans was the drug testing. I hate drug testing. I hate peeing in a freaking cup. If I never have to do it again it will be too soon. Peeing in a cup has now been added to my anti bucket list. It wouldn't have been so bad except I had to get a clean test within 24 hours of getting the job offer.

Me being the overly excitable person I am decided to go straight to the drug testing place. I'd drank a bunch of coffee earlier so I thought it wouldn't be a problem. I was wrong. I got put on the "shy bladder" program. Not even joking. I got a red Solo cup full of water to help the process along. The water was seriously nasty tasting. I also was not supposed to leave the facility before I left a sample. It took almost an hour before I could do that. At that point I'd had about three full cups of water. They were not little cups.

It was not a party. It was not a good time. At all.

I strongly dislike those freaking red cups now. The highlight of my adventure in drug testing had to be the magazine in the waiting room. They had the "Architect Digest", it's a fantastic magazine with fun pictures of random famous peoples houses. If I wasn't totally broke I would totally subscribe to that magazine, it's fantastic.

The analyzer machine thing was shaped distinctly like a coffee pot. I am not joking, it was kind of creepy. Makes me glad I use a French press.