So long 2015, I really hated you.

Today is the last day of 2015 and I am so very, very glad it's going to be over. I hated this year. Looking back on all the things that have happened doesn't bring back cherry, heart warming memories. It brings back pain, loss and agony.

Several people dear to me died this year. We weren't necessarily the closest of friends, we were definitely not confidants, but they had been a back ground part of my life for years. When one person dies it's a tragedy, when another one dies it's heart breaking, when people die every couple of weeks or months it's numbing.

The worst part of death is watching my friends fall to pieces and having no idea how to help them. All the words I know mean nothing in the face of loss. I don't know how to support someone who's grieving. What can you do?

And so, it's with great pleasure I say good bye to 2015. May there never be another year like this one.

Continuing Education

Baring any unforeseen events, I will be going back to school this fall. I have incredibly mixed feelings about this. There is a part of me that feels like this is just a huge waste of time; that I am not going to gain anything new and I just need to accept the fact I wont ever work anything but a dead end job. Because I clearly have not learned anything since graduating college.

I miss the person I used to be. I miss her dreams. I miss her starry eyed wonder at life.

Letting go of dreams and goals is difficult. It hurts. The realization that the only thing you have ever wanted isn't going to happen. Every sacrifice that seemed so necessary and now isn't. The time I could have spent with friends. All of the little experiences I missed out on. I try to live life with few regrets. Being able to move past painful events means taking the time to mourn.

If everything had gone as planned I would have been graduating with a Masters this year. I would have a finished manuscript in the process of being published. I would be living in a tiny house in Arizona with a library instead of a bedroom. I would be traveling, writing and loving life.

The worst part is knowing it's all my fault. I didn't do everything possible to make it happen. I was to stressed out, I was to busy with work or I finally had a day off and didn't feel like trying.

I've had four years to accomplish something, anything, and I have nothing. I have done nothing to pursue my dream. I have been so terrified of failure and the unknown that I lost the ability to live. The dream was to big. I can no longer call myself a writer, because I do not write.

This is me saying goodbye to that dream. This is me saying goodbye to a younger more naive me.

I am not entirely sure what I am going to aim for now, I don't have a new dream to pursue. I do have an idea of what I want out of life and to get that I need to go back to school. I have always done better with short term goals and if I have learned anything as an adult it is to play to strengths. I know going back to school is going to feel weird, I know how difficult it will be and I know I won't have a problem. I also know that no matter how grumpy I am feeling about it right now I am going to love it once I get started.

Because ... Money.

I am job hunting.

Unfortunately it appears my hunting gear is not high enough quality. I need to get a bigger net to capture them in. Which seems unfair (gasp, life is never unfair). I have great qualifications.

I will show up on time (ish), I will not smell and I will not be drunk.

Is that not a good enough reason to hire me?
What does it matter what my life goals are?
What does it matter where I have worked before?
Why do you care where I am going to be in five years?
Or ten?

Really.

No one knows. I feel like being punished for having vague goals is not acceptable. Would I like to have a white picket fence and 2.5 children?

Not really.

Does it change anything about me that I want a library attached to a fantastic bar?

Nope.

What life choices I make have no bearing on my work ethic. I inherited my work ethic from parents who are workaholics; from siblings who are perfectionists. I used to think I had no work ethic, or that it wasn't very good. Kind of like a day old salad, edible but weirdly wilted. I maintained that belief until I got out my childhood bubble. The first job I held as an adult showed me how very wrong I was. I am not a workaholic, I am not a perfectionist, I do believe in doing things in a timely manner and correctly. I am being paid to provide a service and it behooves me to get it done to the best of my ability in the shortest amount of time as possible. It is not my right to work. I am not entitled to employment. If I am doing an unsatisfactory job then I should be fired.

This is not a commonly held view point.

If more interviews and applications asked questions along those lines I would already have a job. Instead I get questions about my life plans, of which I have none, and when I can't answer or when they see through the bullshit answers I am done. They move on to the next applicant who still believes, naively, that life will actually allow a master plan. Those poor dears. Life happens and plans fall apart. It's much easier to adapt plans if they aren't hammered down in concrete and dreams.

This is how I feel after getting the "We decided to go with a more qualified candidate, but please apply to similar positions when they are posted on our site" email.

I am a wizard.

I have reached a new level of stupid

I am not a fan of bad customer service. And by bad customer service I mean these new automated answering systems that make you talk back to them. Because when you say snarky, very sarcastic things under your breath the automated lady voice thinks you're talking to her. To be fair, I was talking to her. I just didn't realize she'd respond with -

"I didn't understand what you said. To repeat this message say 'repeat' or press one."

It took about five minutes into the call for me to be offered a press a number option. Why? None of the options on the "speak to me now" menu were what I needed. I needed the "I am unbelievably stupid, please help" option. This is a great option. It should be an option on the website of every business. It means I have screwed up in a new and slightly surprising way. I need to talk to a real person to get this figured out.

The worst part was when I called back. After hanging up in a rage induced fit of pique. The evil lady, instead of saying her usual spiel, asked if I was calling about a package with this tracking number. I should have just said no, instead I said yes and got the whole "this package was not deliverable and is being returned to the original sender."

I wanted to bang my head against a wall. Repeatedly.

I feel an explanation of events is now in order. I have recently(ish) moved in with a friend. I have also recently(ish) gotten a new pair glasses. The glasses arrived about a week after I had moved. Instead of driving the ten hours it takes to get home I asked my mother to mail them to me. In a moment of unbelievable stupidity I gave her the wrong mailing address. The address I gave her doesn't exist outside of Google Maps. Yeah. I fail hard.

My mother, being the reason behind half my DNA, put the wrong address on the shipping label. My parents had also recently(ish) moved. To make a long, dramatic story kind of short. It got lost in the mailing system for a few days but eventually got taken back to the post office in Wyoming, where my mom picked it up. A few days and addresses later I got my new glasses. They are pretty nice.

The only reason we got it worked out is because I called a random post office and they gave me the number for the people I needed to call. Talking to an actual person is so much easier.