America the Beautiful

And the beautifully cruel.

The current presidential election season has roused strong emotions. It seems that none of those emotions are going to do America any good though. The political climate has been rocky for years. I can't remember the last time I heard anything good said about politicians.

I understand that the house I was raised in leans towards being conservative and extremely distrustful of authority figures. It was only recently that I found out none of my friends parents would quiz them on appropriate behavior for being arrested. Every time we watched a cop show as a family my dad would mute the commercials and ask us what to say if we had been arrested for those crimes. The answer was the same every time.

"I want a lawyer."

Say nothing else, not even your name until you get a lawyer.

In retrospect it seems a little strange that my dad would be so adamant about this particular problem. Was he expecting us to be a family of bad criminals. Bad as in they are always getting caught, because good criminal don't get caught, that's what makes them good. Or was he just preparing us to live in world were people are persecuted for not following the norm. Because if that was the case it would make a lot of sense.

I don't even have any answers, it's just something that has been bothering me for a while now.

Rules

I was talking with a friend recently and kind of made on off hand joke about rules to live life by, only it really wasn't a joke. I've never sat down and written out the basic rules I follow, but I definitely have a set of parameters for my interactions with other people. Ones I realized I have not been following recently, and it has caused problems. These 'rules' aren't really short, pithy statements about life and how to get through it easily so much as they are statements that should be obvious.

For your enjoyment.

Miche's rules for life

1. Accept people for who and what they are

2. If at all possible to do not have expectations

Expectations lead directly to disappointment when they aren't met.

3. Pay attention when someone is willing to teach you something

You never know when something might come in handy later, the more you know the easier it will be to problem solve (which will hopefully get you a job).

So long 2015, I really hated you.

Today is the last day of 2015 and I am so very, very glad it's going to be over. I hated this year. Looking back on all the things that have happened doesn't bring back cherry, heart warming memories. It brings back pain, loss and agony.

Several people dear to me died this year. We weren't necessarily the closest of friends, we were definitely not confidants, but they had been a back ground part of my life for years. When one person dies it's a tragedy, when another one dies it's heart breaking, when people die every couple of weeks or months it's numbing.

The worst part of death is watching my friends fall to pieces and having no idea how to help them. All the words I know mean nothing in the face of loss. I don't know how to support someone who's grieving. What can you do?

And so, it's with great pleasure I say good bye to 2015. May there never be another year like this one.

Continuing Education

Baring any unforeseen events, I will be going back to school this fall. I have incredibly mixed feelings about this. There is a part of me that feels like this is just a huge waste of time; that I am not going to gain anything new and I just need to accept the fact I wont ever work anything but a dead end job. Because I clearly have not learned anything since graduating college.

I miss the person I used to be. I miss her dreams. I miss her starry eyed wonder at life.

Letting go of dreams and goals is difficult. It hurts. The realization that the only thing you have ever wanted isn't going to happen. Every sacrifice that seemed so necessary and now isn't. The time I could have spent with friends. All of the little experiences I missed out on. I try to live life with few regrets. Being able to move past painful events means taking the time to mourn.

If everything had gone as planned I would have been graduating with a Masters this year. I would have a finished manuscript in the process of being published. I would be living in a tiny house in Arizona with a library instead of a bedroom. I would be traveling, writing and loving life.

The worst part is knowing it's all my fault. I didn't do everything possible to make it happen. I was to stressed out, I was to busy with work or I finally had a day off and didn't feel like trying.

I've had four years to accomplish something, anything, and I have nothing. I have done nothing to pursue my dream. I have been so terrified of failure and the unknown that I lost the ability to live. The dream was to big. I can no longer call myself a writer, because I do not write.

This is me saying goodbye to that dream. This is me saying goodbye to a younger more naive me.

I am not entirely sure what I am going to aim for now, I don't have a new dream to pursue. I do have an idea of what I want out of life and to get that I need to go back to school. I have always done better with short term goals and if I have learned anything as an adult it is to play to strengths. I know going back to school is going to feel weird, I know how difficult it will be and I know I won't have a problem. I also know that no matter how grumpy I am feeling about it right now I am going to love it once I get started.