Continuing Education

Baring any unforeseen events, I will be going back to school this fall. I have incredibly mixed feelings about this. There is a part of me that feels like this is just a huge waste of time; that I am not going to gain anything new and I just need to accept the fact I wont ever work anything but a dead end job. Because I clearly have not learned anything since graduating college.

I miss the person I used to be. I miss her dreams. I miss her starry eyed wonder at life.

Letting go of dreams and goals is difficult. It hurts. The realization that the only thing you have ever wanted isn't going to happen. Every sacrifice that seemed so necessary and now isn't. The time I could have spent with friends. All of the little experiences I missed out on. I try to live life with few regrets. Being able to move past painful events means taking the time to mourn.

If everything had gone as planned I would have been graduating with a Masters this year. I would have a finished manuscript in the process of being published. I would be living in a tiny house in Arizona with a library instead of a bedroom. I would be traveling, writing and loving life.

The worst part is knowing it's all my fault. I didn't do everything possible to make it happen. I was to stressed out, I was to busy with work or I finally had a day off and didn't feel like trying.

I've had four years to accomplish something, anything, and I have nothing. I have done nothing to pursue my dream. I have been so terrified of failure and the unknown that I lost the ability to live. The dream was to big. I can no longer call myself a writer, because I do not write.

This is me saying goodbye to that dream. This is me saying goodbye to a younger more naive me.

I am not entirely sure what I am going to aim for now, I don't have a new dream to pursue. I do have an idea of what I want out of life and to get that I need to go back to school. I have always done better with short term goals and if I have learned anything as an adult it is to play to strengths. I know going back to school is going to feel weird, I know how difficult it will be and I know I won't have a problem. I also know that no matter how grumpy I am feeling about it right now I am going to love it once I get started.

Well. That sucked.

That awkward moment when you just got out of the shower and can't remember if you actually washed your hair or just got it wet. It seems like the older I've gotten the more things slip through the cracks. I just don't remember. Sometimes because it didn't happen and others cuz it wasn't important when I was doing whatever. I'm not sure this is a recent problem, but I can be in the same room and just not hear what's being said. Family plans will be made and I will have no idea because I wasn't paying attention. I was definitely wrapped in my own problems. Sadly that just causes more problems.

"We told you."
"You didn't."
"You were in the room when we talked about it."
"...."

After several years of this happening you'd think people (mostly family members) would realize they need to ask me if I heard. Not just assume I was listening to the conversation. I can hold mostly complete conversations and not remember them. If my attention if focused on something else it's gone.

What people should see when I'm not listening.

I can actually listen to what is being said, just some days it takes more energy than I want to use. Being lazy can cause all sorts of unanticipated problems. On the bright side, if you don't care about being left out of group meetings and pissing off all your extended family members, it really is a much easier way of life.

Blogs of note... Mishi style

Several of my friends also blog, not that I ever talk about them. I am way to narcissistic to ever talk about anyone other than me. However, I do feel like I should share a list of blogs that I am looking forward to reading this year. (Also known as "I do not feel like actually blogging, lets do this lazy style).


Blogs that you should read, but only after reading mine:

1. just g!bs.
A blog written by a fantastic graphic designer. He is going to be blogging every day all year. I bow in his general direction. His plan is to have a monthly theme, it's pretty awesome (obviously, otherwise I would never read it).

2. Brittany the over achieving communications major.
Brittany pretty much just blogs about whatever. It's always interesting to me. She posts a lot of really cool pictures and tells funny/sad stories about her life. It's like an online diary for friends (maybe I should have said journal?).

3. Kate "for the horde".
Kate is my gamer friend, she is freakishly awesome. I don't regularly read her blogs, but the ones I do are always thought provoking and give me a different view of life.

4. Miss H
Miss H just started blogging, but I am super excited. I went to school with Miss H and she is a highly intelligent, motivated individual, she has just started her second semester has a full time teacher and the blog is dedicated to stories from teaching. In all reality she is like a human version of my older sister (my sister is a cyborg).

5. Sassy Mommy
I started reading Una LaMarche's bog my junior year of college and I have consistently read it for the last two years. Una just had a little baby boy, and he is freaking adorable, but she hasn't become a blogging mommy (as in everything is about her child). I read Una's blog because it is a fresh view on life and she is really funny.

6. LadyDraconix.
Um... I am not really sure what to say about her blog... she pretty much just blogs about whatever. She has started a trend lately of writing book reviews and they are helpful and thought provoking. Her blog is a lot like mine but written by someone more intelligent. She also blogs about design, since she is also a graphic designer.

7. Best friends blog (not that she ever updates it):
Yeah, she never blogs regularly, she's worse than me (I didn't think it was possible either). But when she does blog it is always worth reading. Although I am biased, since she is my best friend. Who never updates her blog. (hint hint).

Her most recent goodwill purchase.

So there is my lazy post. Isn't it great?

New years resolutions. Updated

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And that is the list of my resolutions for this year. It's the same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before the year before last year. And possible the same as the year before the year before the year before last year.

Because I do not believe in making resolutions, I believe in doing whatever the hell I want.

*Updated: there is no picture. So if you're waiting for one I am very sorry. And yes this is for you. You know who you are.

Spanish class and Profe

For two years in high school I took Spanish classes. I don't think I could string together a sentence then and I sure as hell can't do it now. Just no way. But I love to talk in class and I find it horrific when my lack of vocabulary stems my annoyance factor. Spanish I consisted of learning a bunch of random words and present tense conjugation for verbs, we didn't work with past, future, past participle, or future participle, or back to the future verbs. We learned the basic phrases: Who are you? Who am I? What's that? Where is the bathroom? This is my favorite, and Run it's the police!

Okay, so we didn't actually learn that last phrase, but it would have been awesome.

My teacher, who we all called Profe, was one of my favorite high school teachers. He is just awesome, best teacher ever. At least as far as language teachers go. By the time I got around to taking Spanish II he expected us to speak only Spanish during the class period. I think he had ridiculously high expectations. Who actually learns anything in high school? Nobody.

Anyway. I didn't know a lick of Spanish, which effectively kept me from speaking very loud in class. I would say I was completely silent, but we both know that would be a lie. I can't keep silent for more than two minutes. This constantly got me in trouble in class, Profe was always snapping at me to keep it down and to only talk in Spanish. Unfortunately, the times he told me this in Spanish it wasn't very effective. His scowl, however, worked like a charm. That man could glare like a Southern Belle. (don't ever quote me on that. I will deny it).

One day I decide to take pity on poor Profe and speak only in Spanish. I repeated the same word, over and over and over again. I think I kept up a slight rap for several minutes before he told me to stop saying that word. I think it was very, muy? Or something like that. Well he only told me to stop saying that word. So I moved on to a different word, only this time I was saying it to my friend sitting next to me. Now instead of me just repeating a word, it was a one worded conversation. I would say the word then she would, then me, then her.

Profe did not find this anymore amusing. By the end of the class period he sternly lectured me that only saying one word did not constitute a conversation and that if I wanted to speak at all in class it could only be in coherent conversation style. I was the only student who had to follow that particular rule. *sniff*

Yeah. I was a little brat in high school. Still am.

Also, it's almost Halloween. Cheers


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Same old same old

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, Shame on you. Fool me thrice, I am gonna kick your ass.

But seriously. I am not that smart. If I was intelligent I would stop making the same mistakes over and over and over again. Like staying up late at night to read even when I know I have to get up for work the next day. Or forgetting to set an alarm clock so that I remember to eat. Or buying food so that on the off chance I remember to eat I actually have food in my room... hmmm... food sounds really good right now. I want a Popsicle. I think that every office should have a freezer full of them. So yes, I cannot seem to remember and/or learn anything from the mistakes I keep making. Some days it seems like I am on a hamster wheel and I just keep running and not getting any where. So I have to ask myself the question, get off and sit like a lazy ass or stay on and go no where?

A very difficult question to answer. Will I sit and not do anything because I am smarter then the hamster wheel, or will I continue working hard for what seems like it has no end.

I think I am just going to be lazy and sit. And eat candy.