It seems like it's been forever since the last time I wrote anything. Not just on my blog, but for short stories and just for fun. It's like my brain just shut down. No more energy, no more writing. Part of that was because I had the worlds oldest computer (it was running Windows XP and had like maybe 70 gigs on the hard drive) and the other part was a lack of anything good to write about. I really dislike people who are constantly bitching about how shitty their lives are. I feel like they either need to stop fishing for compliments or do some serious thinking about who their friends are.
Not that horrific things don't happen to good people with loving, supporting friends. But it always seemed to me that the people who bitch the most have friends who inflame the drama. And no. Say no to drama. And crazy people. Love the crazy people and stay far from their drama. Eventually everyone has to grow up. At least that is what I keep telling myself. That and "I do what I want" are my two new catch phrases.
Several months ago my computer went down in flaming glory. My cat jumped on my bed and the computer fell off. The internal fan broke. I could only run the computer for about ten minutes before it overheated and died. Every time I watched the screen go dark a thread of terror went through me, thinking I had finally lost all my files. Luckily I backed up my computer way before this happened. Mostly cuz it was hella old and I expected it to stop working at anytime. So the horror was completely ridiculous. Doesn't mean I didn't freak out every singly time it happened. I am awesome that way.
Thankfully my family is fabulous and I now own a newish computer. It's really pretty with it's glowing green keyboard and blue alien head. Makes me happy. Which is something that I should work towards more often. Seems like not a lot makes me happy anymore. Not that I am angry and depressed all the time, it just sort of feels like all emotions are surface emotions. They sort of chill and then slowly fade into the background leaving me feeling slightly off kilter. The best way I have to describe what I have been feeling is sleepy. It's like I've not really been awake for the last year. Not numb and not no emotion; just sort of a placid lake. Eventually I will have to dive back into the chaos of life, but right now I'm just chilling.
Some might call it being content. They would be wrong. I am not content with my life. I feel like I have accomplished nothing since graduating college. Over two years ago I stood in front of a large crowd, wearing the polyester tent of doom (also known as a gown) with a noose around my neck (a hood, I still don't understand the purpose of that) and the worlds worst designed hat on my head (the tassel has a gravitational pull towards mouths), I was then handed the most expensive piece of paper ever. It feels that way when I go to pay off student loans every month.
And then what happened?
I spent months looking for a job in my field. I found nothing. At least nothing I was qualified to do. I needed to have at least three years work experience, five would be preferred, or I needed to be a college student. Or a college student. That hellishly expensive paper meant I didn't get a single letter or call from perspective employers. The magical line had been crossed and I was stuck in shitoutofluckville. Still am. The no-mans land of work experience. Not enough to mean anything paired with too much education. It royally sucks.
Most of my friends have had this experience for themselves. They have had to pull themselves out of the depression that builds as they watch their dreams go down in flames. In the last two years I have witnessed the change, the untold heroics of perseverance. I have stood by in awe, watching as my friends pulled themselves together and kept going. Waking up every morning, going into a job they hated because it was the only way to get slightly closer to their goals. I have watched as they beat against walls, searching desperately for any way through. I have watched as they realized that they'd have to build their own doors. From there I've watched some give up, but mostly I've watched as they knocked down the obstacles. Nothing is as beautiful as a person who keeps chasing their dreams. They are the living inspiration for my life. Those are the people I want to emulate. I want resolve. I want to stand behind a table signing copies of my book, the one with a Newberry Honor stamp on the cover, and tell them they can do it too.
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