Computer Bullshit

My computer has been unable to connect to the internet, my roommate has been obliging in letting me use hers. I sent an e-mail to the people in charge of the network. The dumbasses don't work on student computers and so I wanted to ensure they understood the problem was with the network and not my computer. I spent several hours working to ensure that I had tried every viable option before soliciting help. Below is the e-mail I sent to them.

My computer has been unable to connect to the network since last Thursday. I have done a ridiculous number of things to ensure that it is not my computer that is the problem. I have the correct information, the correct network and the correct network key. My internet setup is exactly the same as my roommates, whose computer I am using to write this e-mail, but I am unable to connect to the network. This is very frustrating, as a college student whose teachers assign loads of research I do not always have the option to go to a lab to do homework. I need to be able to connect to the network and since I am unable to do so I am seriously distraught. I would appreciate it if I could find out if my computer is still registered in the system, this is my fourth year at Union and I have never had any problems previously. Before being unable to connect to the network my computer said something about a duplicate on the network, I have no idea what that means, but after that I was unable to connect.

I just want to know if my computer is still in the system so I know if the problem is with my computer or is with Union's Network problems that cropped up last week. If you could let me know ASAP I would appreciate it. Seeing as how Union doesn't work on student computers anymore the sooner I know where the problem is the sooner I can finish my homework and get on with my life. Thank you for helping in this small way.

Sincerely,
Michelle Current

This is the e-mail I wanted to send.

Dear fuckers who insist nothing is wrong.

I have sacrificed four hours of my life to ensure that my computer could safely and accurately connect to the network. It does not. Because your dumbass fucking policy says that you are going to refuse to help poor lost souls who are paying your salary, yes I am paying you for shit service, I have taken matters into my own hands. If by tomorrow I do not have a constant connection to the network you will find a stick of dynamite shoved up your rectum. If that does not instill the desire to fix the network and allow my computer access I will light the fucking fuse. Please understand that I am a stressed college students whose professors do not understand the concept of grace or late work and as such I am in a constant state of sleep deprivation. It is a scientific fact that people who have been awake for over seventy-two hours are clinical insane. I do not remember the last time I got sleep and as such I am no longer in my right mind (I am not in my left mind either).

The dynamite is not a threat, it is merely a tool to inspire the right thought process in the paeans who work for the man that fucks the internet connection every night. With all my regards please fix the connection now.

Sincerely,
A mentally deranged student.

I wanted someone to appreciate the fact that I did not send the above letter. I really wanted to, but my roommate told me that I couldn't use her computer if I was going to be sending profanity. I don't understand how she thinks that letter is profane.

Irony of irony is that within minutes of sending the e-mail my computer connected to the network. Fuck my life. I refuse to send an e-mail stating that the connection works until it has been consistent for more than 24 hours.