Meh.

2012.

Last year was definitely a meh year. Nothing horrifically tragic happened (to me anyway) and nothing overtly fabulous happened either. The year started with me being jobless, totally broke and living in a storage unit sized room in my parents house. It ended with me still totally broke, only now I am living in a spacious basement room (still in my parents house). All in all not very many exciting things happened. Mostly cuz I didn't try.

The most exciting moments were the few road trips I took, one to Lincoln, two or three to Loveland... and that's it. One of my very bestest friends pseudo graduated in May, but technically she'd received her diploma in December of 2011. So that really didn't happen last year.

A few of my other good friends bought houses, insuring I felt like an abject failure at life. Which, sadly, at the moment is fairly accurate, if you go by normal standards. I'm not married, I don't have kids, I am not in a relationship (serious or otherwise), I don't have a career, I don't own a car, I'm no longer in school, I don't support myself financially and I haven't taken life seriously for a very, very long time.

And even with all of that I feel happier right now than I have for years. For the first time in my life I am not scrambling to please someone else. I don't have to worry about teachers, deadlines, horrible bosses, and family members pressuring me into choices I don't want. For the first time in a long time I feel free. 

Not to say I don't have responsibilities, because I do. I have an awesome job, a good boss and occasionally I have to explain to certain family members that I will not be going to church for now (it's so nice to be able to choose). But even with all of that I have a freedom of choice that most people don't.

For example, at the moment I have vibrantly purple hair. It's not outlandish and neon, it's a dark purple that looks fantastic. But I was the one who got to choose the color. Some of you who have known me for a long time might be wondering why I would find that so novel, knowing that I had purple hair in college. The job I have now is relatively liberating, the dress code is minimal and so long as I show up on time and work hard I can pretty much do what I want. It's awesome.

I feel like this is going to be a time in my life that I look back on fondly. I have no one to answer too except myself and I love it. I know eventually I might want a serious relationship and to be tied down to one place by owning a house, but right now all I really want is the freedom to roam. The knowledge that with enough effort and dedication I can go anywhere.

I will admit that at first that idea was terrifying. I spent almost an entire year vacillating about were I should go next, what specific path I should choose for a career. It was frustrating. Not having a set guideline for life. No syllabus, no grading rubric, no corporate latter to climb. Nothing but the wind and a million choices. Terrifying. Electric. Almost elemental.

After spending months uncertain about anything I can now say I know what I want. I've just realized that it doesn't particularly matter when it happens. I am going to go to grad school, hopefully I can get my applications in this year but even if I don't it will still be there next year. No matter what happens in the next few days, moths and years all I have to do is keep moving forward. The only thing that can ever get in the way is myself.