Cheese paste stuff

I was starving and wanted comfort food, and instead of macaroni I wanted crackers and cream cheese. Well the little corner story didn't have cream cheese. But they did have Joan of Arc: Brie, Soft Ripened Cheese, Double Creme.

Me, being the epitome of stupid, thought this was close enough to cream cheese to work... so not true. I should have realized from the epic failure of a box that it was going to end badly. It was a round box thing, it didn't close right from the get go and after opening it and taking out the plastic wrapped "goodness" it was definitely not going to close again.

Well the first few steps were odd I didn't think it was going all that bad. That was before I unwrapped the plastic covering the wheel of cheese. Under the wrapping was a weird white cardboardish surface. No tabs, to "cut here" lines. Just a solid white smoothish surface that resembled partially recycled paper. I pulled a little chunk off... there was soooo no way to peel that sucker off. One option down, I tried to pull more off and found that under the recycled cardboardish stuff was a hard chunk of cheese.

I am not a rocket scientist but even I realized that this particular substance was in no way shape of form a soft cheese. There was the distinct possibility of soft cheese under all of the protective cardboardiness hard stuff. I know this because the middle was squishy. Not squishy in the "rotten nastiness" sort of way, it was squishy in the "delectable fillings in a French pastry" sort of way.

Eventually after much sitting and staring and avoiding homework I decided the best way to get to the much anticipated smooth cheesyness was brute force. I was gonna tear that package open and show the bitch that designed the stupid contraption how a college student deals with things that piss them off late at night when they are hungry, angry and needing to simultaneously sleep and work.

It work. Broke in half like a charm. It was the darnedest thing. I finally had the cheese I wanted to spread on the crackers.

And it was fucking nasty. I was expecting smooth delicious fattening artery-clogging cream cheese. What I got was brie, which is not bad, it's just not cream cheese and should never be confused as such. I will never make that mistake again. Hopefully.